As a college consultant of several years and a formal high school teacher, I have seen my fair share of high-achieving students who have stellar profiles and have achieved acceptances into some of the best programs across the country and beyond. Interestingly enough, the parents of these high flyers are rarely the loudest, the strictest, or the ones that micromanage the most. Instead, I’ve noticed that they share some other qualities and consistent habits that I think are key to raising thoughtful, hard-working, growth mindset-focused children.
They Prioritize Skill Building, Not Resume Padding
The urge to enroll and push your child into every possible direction is real, we have often heard a variation of the importance of being a “well-rounded” student and equating that to being a student that does everything. However, rather than seeing as a student that joins every activity possible, high-achievers are often narrowly focused but broadly developed. What this means is that students are often investing years in a small number of meaningful interests and scaling that interest into projects or efforts that allow them to transfer skills across context. In sizing up student potential, admissions officers often wonder if students know themselves, contribute meaningfully, and can commit themselves to for a long time.
Parents that insist on filling up their kid’s schedules and summers are often taking away precious time to reflect and do things they really love. Not every activity or project needs to be structured, sometimes students come up with their best ideas by exploring, talking to their peers, and literally walking around the block.
They Facilitate, Not Project Manage
Understanding the difference between project-management versus facilitation is an important way to cultivate independence and foster judgement, motivation, and strategic thinking. I have worked with a range of families and find that those that provide their children with the resources and guidance to self-direct a project tend to build an environment where children feel supported but independent. On the contrary, I find that families that insist on tracking every deadline and deliverable or micromanage a student’s project by taking it on themselves to some capacity, students tend to plateau early on. In communication, this puts the ball in the student’s court and allows them some autonomy in deciding next steps. Rather than “you need to email your mentor right now,” something like “what’s your plan for following up?” transfer ownership of tasks but do not withdraw support from the student.
The important takeaway is that facilitation requires tolerating inefficiency and uneven progress but the returns can be huge! Often, through trial and error, students become self-direct, they can self-correct, and scale their work which is exactly what selective colleges reward.
They Model Curiosity and Learning
It is completely okay (and highly encouraged, in my opinion) to be highly involved and engaged with what your child is doing. A father/son duo that I recently worked with attended all meetings together and while I was initially concerned, sometimes parents use our 1:1 time to take over the call or speak for their children, this wasn’t the experience at all. In fact, the dad came to our calls with curiosity, asking questions, bringing material they had read recently, and learned alongside his son. Similarly, the son modeled this behavior, even when his father wasn’t around or able to attend, curious about my feedback, asking clarifying questions, and adding insights of his own.
I think that this curiosity and learning can expand past the college consulting process. Things have changed significantly since several years ago in the college admissions sphere as well as in other subjects. Be curious and interested in your child’s world, read, learn, and ask questions yourselves. Have conversations with your child at the dinner table rather than just going over logistics. Encouraging this curiosity and genuine intellectual engagement in your child often makes for strong essays and strong civil engagement from students who are aware of the world.
They Expect Responsibility, Not Perfection
This is a tough one! However, accountability and organization is a lifelong skill that often begins at home. I understand the urge to want to become an administrative assistant of sorts for your family or your child but this often impedes growth and makes it harder for students to understand how to allocate their time wisely. I think it is positive for a parent to provide structure and perhaps a tool (a calendar app, a timer, or even a checklist) but allowing students to manage schedules, deadlines, and communicating roadblocks early on is essential to managing their time as students in high school, college, and beyond.
Many of my most successful students have acquired and even mastered the skill of calendar management, and have demonstrated themselves capable of maintaining open and clear communication with the adult mentors in their life for successful collaboration. Parents support here by holding their kids accountable but not shaming them! Kids are still kids, they are learning and are bound to forget something, rather, sit down and discuss what went wrong, adjust the method, and try again.
Ultimately, the families behind the highest-achieving students aren’t trying to engineer outcomes. Rather, they are creating environments where students can foster curiosity, become independent, reflect on themselves and the world around them, and sustain intellectual vitality. They facilitate a space for open collaboration and communication while continuing to foster their own love for learning and growth. They adapt their methods according to the needs of their children rather than the popular opinion. Over time, this approach produces students who not only become competitive applicants but capable thinkers that contribute meaningfully to the world around them.
